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Devious Collection by vandal56

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(Contains: violence/gore)


Chapter 7:
Extinction

    Helen's unborn child kicked harder as the contractions occurred more frequently. The last bit of sand in the hourglass was almost through. "Hurry Fabocusa," she screamed in her head as she grasped clumps of her raven black hair to try to distract herself from the ongoing pain. She rubbed her pale bulged belly, hoping that her love would come. A tear ran down her cheek as her amber eyes bore into the door willing it to open. Another contraction began and she gripped her belly. "Fabocusa, please," she whispered. Seventeen was too early for a girl such as her to give birth, especially alone.

    Med 25 examined a holographic image of the child while checking its vital signs. The image changes to show the layers of the anatomy. As she listened to the heart beating on the monitor, she thought of the times she'd spent with Fabocusa. It gave her confidence that he would arrive very soon.

    When Med 25 finished the examination, it extended a couple of its limbs out and transformed them into delivery hands to use them for the delivery. Suddenly an alarm blared violently in the hospital and across the city. Everyone screamed and ran in every direction. Helen got scared, not knowing what was happening. She saw a built-in emergency page speaker on a wall to call her rescuer, but couldn't reach it.

    An angry, distorted demonic voice came from all over the city, even in the hospital's voice announcement. The deity himself manifested above the city and gave his speech. All Helen heard were loud explosions coming from everywhere. The child was an inch away from being born and all she could do was cry for Fabocusa's help.

    Then Seiton appeared while his energy and computer codes swirled around him as he pointed his finger towards her.

    "Helen, you human whore!" Seiton snarled. Helen crouched down in fear of his menacing glare-- his knowledge of herself frightened her.

    "Get away from me!" Helen cried back pathetically as she wrapped her arms around her belly trying to hide it.

    "NO!" Seiton roared and another contraction struck the young girl.

    He continued, "A year ago on your planet, you served as a slave being tortured, beaten, and forced to work under the command of your masters. This damn Spacer, Fabocusa saved and impregnated you. You, the Humans, Mowls, Hyger, all of the primitives were mistakes that the Mechaniods made. You, the Spacers, and the primitives just live, die, feed, starve, rot, and burn into ashes. That is what this galaxy is filled with. Nothing, but useless infested critters!"

    Seiton's words overpowered her as her eyes were forced to lock into his. Helen thought she couldn't cry any more tears, her face hot and heavy, unable to see anything as fire burned through the deity's eyes.

    He continued, "And you have seen my vision of a perfect universe where all of the Spacers' Children gathered around and waited until my army slaughtered them letting everyone know that I am the true god of the universe!"

    "Stop it! Just stop! Don't do this to us!" Helen cried.

    "You will die before that foolish husband of yours reaches you!" he snarled looking down at her bulged belly, knowing that she was pregnant with a hybrid. "As for your child, it shall be ripped out of your womb!"

    As the demon towered over the cowering Helen, he snapped his fingers and disappeared. Before he disappeared, he gained control over Med 25, directing the robot to cut open and wrench her child from the young girl’s body.

    Following Seiton’s orders, Med 25 approached the crouching Helen, and took out its laser saw and scalpels. The robot clutched her arms by force, dragging her to the operating table. She clawed desperately at its metal grip, screaming, and begging it to stop. Her scratches became fists as she was dragged like a wild animal. When it finally gotten her inside the operating room, it lifted her up and threw her on the table as if it were a professional wrestler. As she recovered from its brutality, she was then strapped to the table unable to escape and Med 25 hovered over her as a horrifying doctor.

    "No! No! No! Not my baby! No!" she kept screaming as it targeted her belly for the butchering.

    Just when its laser saw met the skin of her belly, Fabocusa grabbed Med 25 and threw it across the room. He shot it down with his weapon, ripped the metal straps off of Helen, and held her as tightly as he could.

    "Helen, we must leave now!" Fabocusa shouted as he lifted her into his arms as a firefighter carrying a child out of a burning house.

    "What are we going to do?!" Helen cried.

    "We've got to get to the throne room," Fabocusa said as he put a gas mask on her. "At the back of the room, there is a portal I created which will take you to Chartorla. We need to go there now!"

    When they got out of the hospital, the scenery changed dramatically. Power plants blowing up, Spacer ships crashing down from the sky, every building collapsed, and vehicles crashing at random places. The roads opened up with erupting flames, which spread like wild fires and people getting burned alive. Missiles and bombs went off; few people torn apart by the medical probes and/or gassed to death. Their world was falling apart.

    Two more shuttles charged at them from opposite directions, but he made a shield that shattered those shuttles. As they made it through the gate, another wave of probes came up behind them. He touched a button on his rifle and threw it at the swarm. The rifle sets off a powerful static discharge, which wiped the wave out.

    As they got inside the palace, the heat and gas had eaten the dye off of Helen. Her vision was so blurry that she had to remove her lenses. This revealed her human form. Inside throne room, a ring-shaped portal was right behind their throne. Fabocusa had her lean against a wall as he activated it. He typed the codes and a vortex appeared for them. The palace began to crumble giving them little time to keep the portal open.

    "My love, you have to go through the portal without me," Fabocusa said as he got his human wife back on her feet. She felt her heart crack when he said those words.

    "I want you to be with our baby!" she cried. Then another contraction began, this time the pain felt worse causing her to scream and lose her balance. He grabbed her just before she fell to the floor.

    He warned her, "If I go with you, Seiton will gain control over the portal and we'll end up either in empty space, a black hole, or worse. I have to stay and keep that portal under my control until you reach Chartorla."

    "You will die!" she warned him.

    "Then I shall die!" he stated.

    "If you are going to die, I will die with you!" she shouted denying him to end his life for her.

    "No Helen, your life is more important than mine! I have to sacrifice myself to save you and our child!" he shouted. "You must hold on! Can you do that for me?"

    Helen looked down into the floor as she cried. He lifted her face up, wiped off her tears, placed his hand on her bulged belly, and begged, "Please, live for our child."

    Tears ran down both of their cheeks. She nodded and he gave her a quick passionate kiss goodbye. After they kissed, Fabocusa said, "I love you."

    "I love you too," Helen cried as she kissed him goodbye. As soon as she went through the portal, Fabocusa kept holding onto the controls.

    "Come on! You can get there!" Fabocusa kept shouting out loud. Then the control system of the portal made beeping noises telling him that she made it. He smiled and Spacer ship crashed through the roof of the palace.
This is the prologue of my story Hybrid. I hope you will enjoy all of my chapters. I will write the sequel to the series and there will be 5 books in this series. Enjoy!The preview image was drawn by 0-xcheekymonkeyx-0 Check her gallery if you want to. 0-xcheekymonkeyx-0.deviantart.…
Prologue:fav.me/d5ktl3a
Chapter 1:bclement117.deviantart.com/art…
Chapter 2:bclement117.deviantart.com/art…
Chapter 3:bclement117.deviantart.com/art…
Chapter 4:bclement117.deviantart.com/art…
Chapter 5:bclement117.deviantart.com/art…
Chapter 6:bclement117.deviantart.com/art…
Chapter 7:reading
Chapter 8:fav.me/d5odpfg
Chapter 9:fav.me/d37frpp
Chapter 10:fav.me/d37fsfv
Chapter 11:fav.me/d3abpki
Chapter 12:fav.me/d3abqcp
Chapter 13:fav.me/d3abr1h
Chapter 14:fav.me/d41jupx
Chapter 15:fav.me/d45l2v3
Chapter 16:fav.me/d460y0d
Chapter 17:fav.me/d4695b4
Chapter 18:fav.me/d46p5y4
Chapter 19:fav.me/d4jgu57
Chapter 20:fav.me/d4jtcvf
Chapter 21:fav.me/d4kvxos
Chapter 22:fav.me/d4l8nue
Chapter 23:fav.me/d4m3pyv
Chapter 24:fav.me/d4sgor8
Chapter 25:fav.me/d4skwio
Chapter 26:fav.me/d4ssgjj
Chapter 27:fav.me/d4z5nvw
Chapter 28:bclement117.deviantart.com/art…
Chapter 29:fav.me/d52fnpr
Chapter 30:fav.me/d53a8rb
Chapter 31:fav.me/d53mt7a
Chapter 32:fav.me/d548yei
Chapter 33:fav.me/d554g1u
Chapter 34:fav.me/d5590rm
Chapter 35:bclement117.deviantart.com/art…
Chapter 36:fav.me/d55qymt
Chapter 37:fav.me/d55qzbl
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:iconcobrateen:
Cobrateen Featured By Owner May 18, 2014  Hobbyist Writer

“The last bit of sand in the hourglass was almost through” … while this is a lovely metaphor, I don't feel like the scene needs it. Like it's cluttering up the paragraph I guess?


“her amber eyes bore[d] into the door willing it to open” … bore feels odd to me, I believe you want bored even if it looks weird


“Seventeen was too early for a girl such as her to give birth, especially alone” … this line reminds the reader that her pregnancy is weird on multiple levels. I had forgotten that she was seventeen but you reminded me and made me think about how old Fabo is.


Wow! That scene with Seiton yelling at Helen is pretty intense. He's sort of an insane nonsensical rambler going from one subject to the next like that, but I could definitely tell he's angry and powerful.


“dragging her to the operating table” … wasn't Helen already on the operating table? I assumed she was because the Med robot was doing holographic scans and was about to perform the delivery. And later you write “When it finally gotten her inside the operating room” so she's not even inside the operating room yet? Oh, and grammatically that would be either “When it had finally gotten her inside the operating room” or “When it finally got her inside the operating room”


“a firefighter carrying a child out of a burning” … this language is making Helen a child again, which bothered me the first time you did it back when they first met. I would go with something like “a firefighter carrying a woman” and avoid the child language.


“Fabocusa said as he put a gas mask on her” … how is Fabo carrying her in both arms and also putting a gas mask on her face?


“The roads opened up with erupting flames, which spread like wild fires[. People were] getting burned alive” … otherwise this line can be read as saying something like “the flames spread like people getting burned alive” which doesn't make sense.


“the heat and gas had eaten the dye off of Helen” … ow ow ow! So she's got liquid hot dye running off her skin? Or did her sweat make it come off?


“If I go with you, Seiton will gain control over the portal” … actually it seems like Seiton can pretty much control anything anywhere even if someone is there, I don't even know why Seiton would let the portal work at all … unless he doesn't have access to it but then Fabo should be able to go through


“Tears ran down both of their cheeks. She nodded” … hmm, I think I feel like his heroic sacrifice and her acceptance of it should be a bit more difficult? I mean I know that time is an issue but … it feels like she suddenly accepted it because she had to for the plot, not because she actually was able to accept it. Maybe if she hadn't just said she would die with him I would believe that his telling her to live for their child persuaded her.


“He smiled [as a] Spacer ship crashed”


Another excellent chapter from you. Lots of action, lots of drama … Seiton was a little awkward with his rambling but trying to kill Helen with her med robot was a nice touch. I was a little surprised when Fabo announced he had that really convenient portal escape but then I remembered chapter 0 and how they sent all the Titans away with a giant convenient portal … still, it feels a little too convenient. And how has Helen not given birth yet? Willpower? The baby was just about to come out but then Fabo carried her across the city on foot?


Any questions?

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:iconeclipsewielder:
EclipseWielder Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm getting more and more interested as I keep reading! There are still errors like I have mentioned previously. One issue I want to point out is that once you introduce a character in their appreance, it shouldn't be cited and pasted into another section of the story. Say if a character was in the middle of a battle and their attire got torn/ripped. That would be a good example to describe the change. But other than that, I can't wait see what will happen concerning the mother and child. Good job!
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:iconcommndershepard117:
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013
That is a great idea! I will add that when I have the chance! :)
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:iconeclipsewielder:
EclipseWielder Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Glad to hear! I meant copied not cited in my last comment. My iPad must of autocorrected on me, again. :XD:
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:iconfenicksreborn:
fenicksreborn Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Student Writer
This is a good prologue. It sets up the right amount of tension and keeps the reader wanting to read more to see what happens.

Just a few things:

-I think every time you say snared you're actually meaning snarled since it is someone talking.
-A crack opened up in the middle of the road and he somersaulted over it just before the flames could touch them. He slid under a charging shuttle before it crashed into an exploding vent.
This seemed a little off physically since Fabocusa is carrying Helen. I think if you were carrying someone, you wouldn't be able to do somersaults and what not unless you're defying physics. o.O You might want to rework it to make it a bit more plausible.
-At one point you mention that Helen and Fabocusa are soul mates/long time lovers/etc. How long? Considering you mentioned that Helen is only 17 (and I'm assuming that Earth years), then really, she's too young to have been someone's lover for a long time.
-When Helen is saying good bye to Fabocusa and kisses him, you state that she's saying good bye to here her king, her healer, her friend, her god, and her lover. I really don't think all of that is needed, or if it is, then maybe it can be reworked. You have already established before this that they were lovers and married, so you don't need to repeat it here, especially since you have set up that she is crying and emotionally heart broken over leaving him.
-She felt her heart just cracked and started to cry.
I think you meant to say that she felt her heart crack and began to cry. It just sounds odd the way it is currently written.

I really like the set up and the premise of the story. I look forward to reading more. :)
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:iconcommndershepard117:
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012
Thanks for reading my prologue! :) I am glad that you enjoyed it. I have fixed it up as soon as I saw your message. Helen and Fabocusa had been soul mates for a year.
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:iconfenicksreborn:
fenicksreborn Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Student Writer
Welcome! :)

Ah, okay.
Reply
:iconthunderchild-actual:
Thunderchild-Actual Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
i agree with cahotic. excellent work. much improved over the original draft. a few more details here and there, please, but overall, very, very good work. thank you for sharing this.
Reply
:iconcommndershepard117:
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2012
Was my prologue appropriate to make it age restricted?
Reply
:iconthunderchild-actual:
Thunderchild-Actual Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
yes, there are some adult themes in there, well done for thinking of the youngters.
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:iconcahotic:
Cahotic Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2012  Student Writer
Great work :D It's a really interesting story. A few grammar mistakes and a few scenes that could use some more detail, but all in all really good :) Some nice descriptive imagery :D
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:iconcommndershepard117:
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2012
Thanks!
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:iconcommndershepard117:
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2012
what do you think of the prologue now?
Reply
:iconkwbunyap:
kwbunyap Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wow! This is so much better! Your improvements are noticeable. Remember to keep each paragraph in the same tense, either present, past, future, etc. For example, in your first paragraph you say “Helen’s unborn child kicks harder…” This is present tense, but the rest of the paragraph is past tense, i.e. words ending in
“–ed.” Also remember to slash and slash to tighten up your writing. Never write two or three words where one will do. With that in mind, I have made some grammar and spelling corrections below. A line through the word or words is what I would cut, and my additions are in brackets “[]”:

Hybrid
Prologue: Extinction

Helen's unborn child kicks [kicked] harder as the contractions occuring at an accelerating rate [accelerated]. The last bit of sand in the hourglass was almost through. "Hurry Fabocusa," she screamed in her head as she grasped clumps of her raven black hair to try to distract herself from in the on going [ongoing] pain. She lied [lay] on the table in a labor room of the hospital[,] waiting for her husband. She was rubbing her pale, bulgeding belly[,] comforting her child. She hoped that her love will [would] come before their child was born. She did not want him to miss it. A tear ran down her cheek as her amber eyes bore into the door[,] wiling [willing it] to be opened. Another contraction began and she gripped her belly. "Fabocusa please," she whispered in pain. Seventeen was too early to give birth.

Med 25, a medical probe[,] examined a holographic image of her unborn child and checked its vital signs to see if it was going to be born healthy. The medical probe looked like a floating insect with surgical tools as limbs. Med 25 then took out [extended] a couple of its limbs and transformed them into delivery hands and will [to] use them to deliver her child.

An alarm blared violently all over the hospital and spread across the city. Everyone started screaming and running in every direction of the hospital. Helen got scared[,] not knowing what was happening. She needed Fabocusa to come for her now. She saw a built-in communication device in a wall, but she couldn't reach it from her table.

As she tried desperately to reach from the device to call Fabocusa, she heard an angry[,] dark[,] and distorted demonic voice coming from all over the city[, even] as well as in the hospital's voice announcement speakers. A demon manifested above the city and began his speech:

"Spacers! It is I, your god Seiton! You and the others before you banished me to the Tartarus Galaxy billions of years ago! I was made to rule the galaxy and you were made to be ruled! You were taught how to [cultivate] civilization and instead of worshiping me, you have resisted!

"You may think you are the most powerful warriors in the galaxy, but I am and always will remain [be] the most powerful god ever known! When the war was over, you made contact with primitive humanoids in various parts of the galaxy; Humans, Nateenos, Higers, Aquamaids, Mowls, Cobains, Kamodos, and the Tunains! You taught them how to build civilization and they worshiped you as gods! You were never made to be gods!

"There could only be one god and that is me! How dare you disrespect me! How dare you banish me! How dare you teach these races how to build civilization[s]! How dare you were [allow yourselves to be] worshiped as gods! How dare you are alive! You shall are burn to the deepest center of my hell! Once I burn you all into ashes, the children that worshiped you will die with you!"

After the Titan named Seiton gave that speech, Helen was hearing heard loud and fiery explosions coming from the city. She kept screaming and begging [for] Fabocusa to save her.

All of the sudden, Seiton appeared before her as a blue[,] 14 foot humanoid being. His scaly body was rippled with muscles, [and] horns of a goat grew from his head., He wore pale-colored pants with a leadership belt. Energy and computer codes swirling around him as he fingered [pointed a finger] towards her.

"Helen! The Spacer King's whore!" Seiton snared. Helen crouch down in fear by [from] his menacing glare-- his knowledge of Fabocusa and herself frightened her.

"Go away! Leave me alone!" Helen cried back pathetically.

"NO! You used to be [were] a slave for years after your family had been wiped out by a plague of yellow fever. You were tortured, beaten, and was [were] forced to work under the command of your masters. But this damn Spacer[,] Prince Fabocusa saved you from all that! He shouldn't have saved you! You should have stayed on Earth to rot as [like] a corpse!"

The memories of her terrible past coated as Seiton overpowered her. Helen thought she couldn't cry any more tears, her face hot and heavy, unable to see anything from her eyes.

"Stop it! Don't say anything terrible about him! He is a great man! A great king!"

"He shall be king no more! Your love will never come for you. Your blood shall spill like a river across the city all the way to the ocean!" Seiton looked down into her bulged belly[,] knowing that she was pregnant with a Human/Spacer hybrid.

"I shall have that damn child be ripped out of your womb and burn [burned] into ashes!" Seiton shouted. He snapped his finger[s] and his image had vanished. He then took control over Med 25, [now under Seiton’s control,] strapped her [Helen] down into [onto] the table, and have directed it towards her belly. It hovered towards [over] her and took out its laser saws. Then it targeted her belly to get ready [and prepared] to kill her and her unborn child.

-this is the end of my example of editing.-

Just when its laser saws met the skin of her belly, Fabocusa zoomed into the room, grabbed Med 25 and threw it across the room. He took out his battle rifle from his back and shot Med 25 with a beam of yellow light. As Med 25 was destroyed, Fabocusa used his Spacer strength to rip the metal straps off of Helen and held her as tightly as he could.

Helen starred at Fabocusa, unsure as to whether it was really her husband. He wore a red cape and purple pants covering his pure snow white skin. Long hair was as pale as the peak of Mount Olympus framed his handsome face and his eyes as blue as the Mediterranean Sea, met hers as shouted their need to escape.

"Helen, My love! we must leave! Now!" Fabocusa shouted as he threw his rifle over his shoulder and lifted her into his arms like a firefighter carrying a child out of a burning house.

A swarm of possessed Spacer medical probes were rushing towards them, but his brother
[you never mentioned that Fabocusa’s brother was here, and that’s confusing!]
was carrying a light beam machine gun and blowing up every medical probe that was getting near them. When they got out of the hospital, every power plant was blowing up, every building was collapsing, vehicles were crashing randomly, the roads were opening up, and many missiles and bombs were going off. Many people were being gassed to death as the demon was gassing the entire planet, so Fabocusa had her wear a gas mask.

"We got to get to the throne room," Fabocusa said urgently to Helen. "At the back, there is a portal that would take you to Chartorla. You will be safe from Seiton!"

They kept looking up as many Spacer ships crashed into the planet. They had to get to the palace before it gets destroyed by a crashing ship. Flames spread faster than a wildfire and everyone was burned until they were [to]
-see how you can say this with a single word?-
ashes. The world was falling apart and there was not anything the Spacers could do to stop it.



"Come on! You can get there!" Fabocusa kept saying hoping that she would make it. Then the control system of the portal made a [singlular] beeping noises [plural]
– they should match. Either “made a beeping noise” or “made beeping noises” –
telling him that she made it to Chartorla. Fabocusa smiled as she made to the planet safe and sound from Seiton. Then a Spacer ship crashed through the roof of the palace and the last king of the Spacers was killed [died].
-try to speak in an “active” voice versus a “passive” voice. “died” is active, while “was killed” is passive.

Good luck with this and keep writing!
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:iconcommndershepard117:
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012
fixed it as well as chapters 1-11
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:iconevesdiscord:
EvesDiscord Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
The Artist has chosen to restrict viewing to deviants 18 and older

darn :iconpoutplz: im 17
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:iconcommndershepard117:
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2012
sorry! I won't tell!
Reply
:iconphantom-brave:
Phantom-Brave Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2012
Would you mind if I fixed up some mistakes...?
There are a few but nothing major. It probably wouldn't mess with your structure.
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:iconcommndershepard117:
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2012
how would you fix them?
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:iconphantom-brave:
Phantom-Brave Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2012
Missing punctuation, removing words that sound the same being too close to one-another, and you keep changing tenses...
Reply
:iconcommndershepard117:
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2012
What do you think of my prologue now?
Reply
:iconkwbunyap:
kwbunyap Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Congratulations on how much writing you have accomplished here! You are well on your way to having your novel written. I would suggest that you write it all the way through to completion before going back to edit, as the editing process can slow down the creative juices and progress of writing. I think this is true for most of us.

With that being said, I would recommend reviewing a grammar book for proper sentence structure, tense, and rules of grammar. This will help you fix many of the grammatical errors.

When it comes time to cut stuff as you edit, you have to be willing to slash and burn, so to speak. Getting rid of every excess descriptive word and tightening up your writing will improve it.

Here are some examples from your first paragraph, where I would make changes:

Seventeen year old Helen...

[is 'seventeen' really the FIRST word you want to start out your novel? Personally,I think the first sentence, even the first word should be powerful.]

...was lying on the table in a labor room of the hospital waiting for her husband to come and see her...

['to come and see her' is extra verbiage and not necessary as the action is implied if you just say 'waiting for her husband'.]

She had black hair like a raven, her skin was pale, and her eyes were amber color.

[adding these descriptions here breaks up the flow of the writing, and seems only to serve to tell us what she looks like, which can be done anytime.]

As she was lying in the bed,...

[a minute ago she was lying on a table, not in a bed]

...she was rubbing her bulged belly as she reached the end of her pregnancy. She and her lover have...

[you have been writing in past tense, and here you switch to present tense. Keep the tense the same throughout the paragraph by using 'had' instead of 'have']

...been waiting patiently for their child to come and that time had come. She hoped that her love will come before the child was born. She does not want him to miss it....

['does' is present tense, and should be 'did']

[This can be really tightened up, without losing any impact. Here's an example of what I mean, where I re-write your opening paragraph:

*****

Movement.

The unborn child in Helen's womb kicked as the contractions came faster. It wouldn't be long now. "Hurry, Fabocusa," she whispered between panting breaths. Rubbing her pale bulging belly, her amber eyes were locked on the door to the delivery room. If her husband didn't come soon he would miss the birth. A tear ran down the side of her face and landed in matted raven hair. Another contraction began. "Fabocusa," she whispered again, grimacing with pain. Seventeen was too young to be giving birth, especially alone.
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:iconcommndershepard117:
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2012
What do you think of my prologue now?
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:iconunicornsquest:
unicornsquest Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012  Professional Traditional Artist
Very good, much better! Did Bob help?
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:iconcommndershepard117:
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012
yup! I gave him a lot of thanks! :)
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:iconunicornsquest:
unicornsquest Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2012  Professional Traditional Artist
He is a great guy!
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:icontimeship:
Timeship Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2012  Professional Writer
No dialogs? Engage the reader with the story from page one, or they'll really think this is a non-fiction encyclopedia. Check out my www.facebook.com/notes/bob-bello/timeship/376639325707010 and see how I start with storytelling right on, presenting the 'encyclopedic' data between the lines, as if by the way, almost unnoticeably. This is called 'unobtrusive descriptions,' which sci-fi readers accept much easier. Go with long and poetic descriptions only if you're a fantasy writer. Godspeed!
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:iconcommndershepard117:
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2012
I made the prologue better! What do you think?
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:iconspecsbroodking:
specsbroodking Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This seems more like an encyclopedia than anything else. I don't mean to be harsh, but try presenting the information in more of a narrative style. That will get your readers engaged and make it a more enjoyable read. The story you've come up with is great though. All you need to do is work on how you present it. You can see what I mean if you read the prologue and the first chapter of my story (the prologue can be found in a link in my signature). I try to present the information I want to get across in a format that is interesting to read. I'm not saying you should outright copy my style of writing, but try to make yours more interesting to read. That's all, and happy writing!
:iconspecsbroodking:

PS: If you're wondering why I'm not reccomending you read the chapters after the first two, it's because I'm in the process of rewrites. Chapter 2 is on the way.
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:iconcommndershepard117:
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012
I dont know how to alter the prologue.
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:iconspecsbroodking:
specsbroodking Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Look at the deviation. Somewhere near the top, there should be a big blue button that says "Edit." Click on that, and somewhere in that screen there should be a button that says "Edit Text." There, you can edit the text to your liking. There's also a box somewhere that you should uncheck if you want your watchers to be notified of the edit. It says something like "This edit is minor and your watchers will not be notified".
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:iconcommndershepard117:
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012
I know that part, but I dont know how I can change it to a narrative version.
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:iconspecsbroodking:
specsbroodking Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Did you try checking out my story?
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:iconcommndershepard117:
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2012
What do you think of my prologue now?
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:iconspecsbroodking:
specsbroodking Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hold on, I'll read it.
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:iconspecsbroodking:
specsbroodking Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I still think it could be improved upon. Maybe you should come back to it after a while. It took me a year to get to the rewrite stage. It's easier to write with a fresh mind.
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:iconunicornsquest:
unicornsquest Featured By Owner May 5, 2012  Professional Traditional Artist
Maybe too much info, spoilers and such. But good.
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:iconcommndershepard117:
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner May 6, 2012
which part shows too much information and spoilers?
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:iconunicornsquest:
unicornsquest Featured By Owner May 6, 2012  Professional Traditional Artist
It was more of a summery of the story. Maybe give less info about who where and when, and only the creation, the different species, then the attack on the spacers. Leaving out names.
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:iconcommndershepard117:
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner May 6, 2012
Ok, I fixed the prologue! Thanks for catching that! I will write and post the 20th chapter this week. :)
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:iconunicornsquest:
unicornsquest Featured By Owner May 6, 2012  Professional Traditional Artist
Yea!
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:iconcommndershepard117:
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2012
I altered the prologue to make it better. What do you think?
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