Helen's unborn child kicked harder as the contractions occurred more frequently. The last bit of sand in the hourglass was almost through. "Hurry Fabocusa," she screamed in her head as she grasped clumps of her raven black hair to try to distract herself from the ongoing pain. She rubbed her pale bulged belly, hoping that her love would come. A tear ran down her cheek as her amber eyes bore into the door willing it to open. Another contraction began and she gripped her belly. "Fabocusa, please," she whispered. Seventeen was too early for a girl such as her to give birth, especially alone.
Med 25 examined a holographic image of the child while checking its vital signs. The image changes to show the layers of the anatomy. As she listened to the heart beating on the monitor, she thought of the times she'd spent with Fabocusa. It gave her confidence that he would arrive very soon.
When Med 25 finished the examination, it extended a couple of its limbs out and transformed them into delivery hands to use them for the delivery. Suddenly an alarm blared violently in the hospital and across the city. Everyone screamed and ran in every direction. Helen got scared, not knowing what was happening. She saw a built-in emergency page speaker on a wall to call her rescuer, but couldn't reach it.
An angry, distorted demonic voice came from all over the city, even in the hospital's voice announcement. The deity himself manifested above the city and gave his speech. All Helen heard were loud explosions coming from everywhere. The child was an inch away from being born and all she could do was cry for Fabocusa's help.
Then Seiton appeared while his energy and computer codes swirled around him as he pointed his finger towards her.
"Helen, you human whore!" Seiton snarled. Helen crouched down in fear of his menacing glare-- his knowledge of herself frightened her.
"Get away from me!" Helen cried back pathetically as she wrapped her arms around her belly trying to hide it.
"NO!" Seiton roared and another contraction struck the young girl.
He continued, "A year ago on your planet, you served as a slave being tortured, beaten, and forced to work under the command of your masters. This damn Spacer, Fabocusa saved and impregnated you. You, the Humans, Mowls, Hyger, all of the primitives were mistakes that the Mechaniods made. You, the Spacers, and the primitives just live, die, feed, starve, rot, and burn into ashes. That is what this galaxy is filled with. Nothing, but useless infested critters!"
Seiton's words overpowered her as her eyes were forced to lock into his. Helen thought she couldn't cry any more tears, her face hot and heavy, unable to see anything as fire burned through the deity's eyes.
He continued, "And you have seen my vision of a perfect universe where all of the Spacers' Children gathered around and waited until my army slaughtered them letting everyone know that I am the true god of the universe!"
"Stop it! Just stop! Don't do this to us!" Helen cried.
"You will die before that foolish husband of yours reaches you!" he snarled looking down at her bulged belly, knowing that she was pregnant with a hybrid. "As for your child, it shall be ripped out of your womb!"
As the demon towered over the cowering Helen, he snapped his fingers and disappeared. Before he disappeared, he gained control over Med 25, directing the robot to cut open and wrench her child from the young girl’s body.
Following Seiton’s orders, Med 25 approached the crouching Helen, and took out its laser saw and scalpels. The robot clutched her arms by force, dragging her to the operating table. She clawed desperately at its metal grip, screaming, and begging it to stop. Her scratches became fists as she was dragged like a wild animal. When it finally gotten her inside the operating room, it lifted her up and threw her on the table as if it were a professional wrestler. As she recovered from its brutality, she was then strapped to the table unable to escape and Med 25 hovered over her as a horrifying doctor.
"No! No! No! Not my baby! No!" she kept screaming as it targeted her belly for the butchering.
Just when its laser saw met the skin of her belly, Fabocusa grabbed Med 25 and threw it across the room. He shot it down with his weapon, ripped the metal straps off of Helen, and held her as tightly as he could.
"Helen, we must leave now!" Fabocusa shouted as he lifted her into his arms as a firefighter carrying a child out of a burning house.
"What are we going to do?!" Helen cried.
"We've got to get to the throne room," Fabocusa said as he put a gas mask on her. "At the back of the room, there is a portal I created which will take you to Chartorla. We need to go there now!"
When they got out of the hospital, the scenery changed dramatically. Power plants blowing up, Spacer ships crashing down from the sky, every building collapsed, and vehicles crashing at random places. The roads opened up with erupting flames, which spread like wild fires and people getting burned alive. Missiles and bombs went off; few people torn apart by the medical probes and/or gassed to death. Their world was falling apart.
Two more shuttles charged at them from opposite directions, but he made a shield that shattered those shuttles. As they made it through the gate, another wave of probes came up behind them. He touched a button on his rifle and threw it at the swarm. The rifle sets off a powerful static discharge, which wiped the wave out.
As they got inside the palace, the heat and gas had eaten the dye off of Helen. Her vision was so blurry that she had to remove her lenses. This revealed her human form. Inside throne room, a ring-shaped portal was right behind their throne. Fabocusa had her lean against a wall as he activated it. He typed the codes and a vortex appeared for them. The palace began to crumble giving them little time to keep the portal open.
"My love, you have to go through the portal without me," Fabocusa said as he got his human wife back on her feet. She felt her heart crack when he said those words.
"I want you to be with our baby!" she cried. Then another contraction began, this time the pain felt worse causing her to scream and lose her balance. He grabbed her just before she fell to the floor.
He warned her, "If I go with you, Seiton will gain control over the portal and we'll end up either in empty space, a black hole, or worse. I have to stay and keep that portal under my control until you reach Chartorla."
"You will die!" she warned him.
"Then I shall die!" he stated.
"If you are going to die, I will die with you!" she shouted denying him to end his life for her.
"No Helen, your life is more important than mine! I have to sacrifice myself to save you and our child!" he shouted. "You must hold on! Can you do that for me?"
Helen looked down into the floor as she cried. He lifted her face up, wiped off her tears, placed his hand on her bulged belly, and begged, "Please, live for our child."
Tears ran down both of their cheeks. She nodded and he gave her a quick passionate kiss goodbye. After they kissed, Fabocusa said, "I love you."
"I love you too," Helen cried as she kissed him goodbye. As soon as she went through the portal, Fabocusa kept holding onto the controls.
"Come on! You can get there!" Fabocusa kept shouting out loud. Then the control system of the portal made beeping noises telling him that she made it. He smiled and Spacer ship crashed through the roof of the palace.
“The last bit of sand in the hourglass was almost through” … while this is a lovely metaphor, I don't feel like the scene needs it. Like it's cluttering up the paragraph I guess?
“her amber eyes bore[d] into the door willing it to open” … bore feels odd to me, I believe you want bored even if it looks weird
“Seventeen was too early for a girl such as her to give birth, especially alone” … this line reminds the reader that her pregnancy is weird on multiple levels. I had forgotten that she was seventeen but you reminded me and made me think about how old Fabo is.
Wow! That scene with Seiton yelling at Helen is pretty intense. He's sort of an insane nonsensical rambler going from one subject to the next like that, but I could definitely tell he's angry and powerful.
“dragging her to the operating table” … wasn't Helen already on the operating table? I assumed she was because the Med robot was doing holographic scans and was about to perform the delivery. And later you write “When it finally gotten her inside the operating room” so she's not even inside the operating room yet? Oh, and grammatically that would be either “When it had finally gotten her inside the operating room” or “When it finally got her inside the operating room”
“a firefighter carrying a child out of a burning” … this language is making Helen a child again, which bothered me the first time you did it back when they first met. I would go with something like “a firefighter carrying a woman” and avoid the child language.
“Fabocusa said as he put a gas mask on her” … how is Fabo carrying her in both arms and also putting a gas mask on her face?
“The roads opened up with erupting flames, which spread like wild fires[. People were] getting burned alive” … otherwise this line can be read as saying something like “the flames spread like people getting burned alive” which doesn't make sense.
“the heat and gas had eaten the dye off of Helen” … ow ow ow! So she's got liquid hot dye running off her skin? Or did her sweat make it come off?
“If I go with you, Seiton will gain control over the portal” … actually it seems like Seiton can pretty much control anything anywhere even if someone is there, I don't even know why Seiton would let the portal work at all … unless he doesn't have access to it but then Fabo should be able to go through
“Tears ran down both of their cheeks. She nodded” … hmm, I think I feel like his heroic sacrifice and her acceptance of it should be a bit more difficult? I mean I know that time is an issue but … it feels like she suddenly accepted it because she had to for the plot, not because she actually was able to accept it. Maybe if she hadn't just said she would die with him I would believe that his telling her to live for their child persuaded her.
“He smiled [as a] Spacer ship crashed”
Another excellent chapter from you. Lots of action, lots of drama … Seiton was a little awkward with his rambling but trying to kill Helen with her med robot was a nice touch. I was a little surprised when Fabo announced he had that really convenient portal escape but then I remembered chapter 0 and how they sent all the Titans away with a giant convenient portal … still, it feels a little too convenient. And how has Helen not given birth yet? Willpower? The baby was just about to come out but then Fabo carried her across the city on foot?
Just a few things:
-I think every time you say snared you're actually meaning snarled since it is someone talking.
-A crack opened up in the middle of the road and he somersaulted over it just before the flames could touch them. He slid under a charging shuttle before it crashed into an exploding vent.
This seemed a little off physically since Fabocusa is carrying Helen. I think if you were carrying someone, you wouldn't be able to do somersaults and what not unless you're defying physics. o.O You might want to rework it to make it a bit more plausible.
-At one point you mention that Helen and Fabocusa are soul mates/long time lovers/etc. How long? Considering you mentioned that Helen is only 17 (and I'm assuming that Earth years), then really, she's too young to have been someone's lover for a long time.
-When Helen is saying good bye to Fabocusa and kisses him, you state that she's saying good bye to here her king, her healer, her friend, her god, and her lover. I really don't think all of that is needed, or if it is, then maybe it can be reworked. You have already established before this that they were lovers and married, so you don't need to repeat it here, especially since you have set up that she is crying and emotionally heart broken over leaving him.
-She felt her heart just cracked and started to cry.
I think you meant to say that she felt her heart crack and began to cry. It just sounds odd the way it is currently written.
I really like the set up and the premise of the story. I look forward to reading more.
“–ed.” Also remember to slash and slash to tighten up your writing. Never write two or three words where one will do. With that in mind, I have made some grammar and spelling corrections below. A line through the word or words is what I would cut, and my additions are in brackets “”:
Helen's unborn child kicks [kicked] harder as the contractions occuring at an accelerating rate [accelerated]. The last bit of sand in the hourglass was almost through. "Hurry Fabocusa," she screamed in her head as she grasped clumps of her raven black hair to try to distract herself from in the on going [ongoing] pain. She lied [lay] on the table in a labor room of the hospital[,] waiting for her husband. She was rubbing her pale, bulgeding belly[,] comforting her child. She hoped that her love will [would] come before their child was born. She did not want him to miss it. A tear ran down her cheek as her amber eyes bore into the door[,] wiling [willing it] to be opened. Another contraction began and she gripped her belly. "Fabocusa please," she whispered in pain. Seventeen was too early to give birth.
Med 25, a medical probe[,] examined a holographic image of her unborn child and checked its vital signs to see if it was going to be born healthy. The medical probe looked like a floating insect with surgical tools as limbs. Med 25 then took out [extended] a couple of its limbs and transformed them into delivery hands and will [to] use them to deliver her child.
An alarm blared violently all over the hospital and spread across the city. Everyone started screaming and running in every direction of the hospital. Helen got scared[,] not knowing what was happening. She needed Fabocusa to come for her now. She saw a built-in communication device in a wall, but she couldn't reach it from her table.
As she tried desperately to reach from the device to call Fabocusa, she heard an angry[,] dark[,] and distorted demonic voice coming from all over the city[, even] as well as in the hospital's voice announcement speakers. A demon manifested above the city and began his speech:
"Spacers! It is I, your god Seiton! You and the others before you banished me to the Tartarus Galaxy billions of years ago! I was made to rule the galaxy and you were made to be ruled! You were taught how to [cultivate] civilization and instead of worshiping me, you have resisted!
"You may think you are the most powerful warriors in the galaxy, but I am and always will remain [be] the most powerful god ever known! When the war was over, you made contact with primitive humanoids in various parts of the galaxy; Humans, Nateenos, Higers, Aquamaids, Mowls, Cobains, Kamodos, and the Tunains! You taught them how to build civilization and they worshiped you as gods! You were never made to be gods!
"There could only be one god and that is me! How dare you disrespect me! How dare you banish me! How dare you teach these races how to build civilization[s]! How dare you were [allow yourselves to be] worshiped as gods! How dare you are alive! You shall are burn to the deepest center of my hell! Once I burn you all into ashes, the children that worshiped you will die with you!"
After the Titan named Seiton gave that speech, Helen was hearing heard loud and fiery explosions coming from the city. She kept screaming and begging [for] Fabocusa to save her.
All of the sudden, Seiton appeared before her as a blue[,] 14 foot humanoid being. His scaly body was rippled with muscles, [and] horns of a goat grew from his head., He wore pale-colored pants with a leadership belt. Energy and computer codes swirling around him as he fingered [pointed a finger] towards her.
"Helen! The Spacer King's whore!" Seiton snared. Helen crouch down in fear by [from] his menacing glare-- his knowledge of Fabocusa and herself frightened her.
"Go away! Leave me alone!" Helen cried back pathetically.
"NO! You used to be [were] a slave for years after your family had been wiped out by a plague of yellow fever. You were tortured, beaten, and was [were] forced to work under the command of your masters. But this damn Spacer[,] Prince Fabocusa saved you from all that! He shouldn't have saved you! You should have stayed on Earth to rot as [like] a corpse!"
The memories of her terrible past coated as Seiton overpowered her. Helen thought she couldn't cry any more tears, her face hot and heavy, unable to see anything from her eyes.
"Stop it! Don't say anything terrible about him! He is a great man! A great king!"
"He shall be king no more! Your love will never come for you. Your blood shall spill like a river across the city all the way to the ocean!" Seiton looked down into her bulged belly[,] knowing that she was pregnant with a Human/Spacer hybrid.
"I shall have that damn child be ripped out of your womb and burn [burned] into ashes!" Seiton shouted. He snapped his finger[s] and his image had vanished. He then took control over Med 25, [now under Seiton’s control,] strapped her [Helen] down into [onto] the table, and have directed it towards her belly. It hovered towards [over] her and took out its laser saws. Then it targeted her belly to get ready [and prepared] to kill her and her unborn child.
-this is the end of my example of editing.-
Just when its laser saws met the skin of her belly, Fabocusa zoomed into the room, grabbed Med 25 and threw it across the room. He took out his battle rifle from his back and shot Med 25 with a beam of yellow light. As Med 25 was destroyed, Fabocusa used his Spacer strength to rip the metal straps off of Helen and held her as tightly as he could.
Helen starred at Fabocusa, unsure as to whether it was really her husband. He wore a red cape and purple pants covering his pure snow white skin. Long hair was as pale as the peak of Mount Olympus framed his handsome face and his eyes as blue as the Mediterranean Sea, met hers as shouted their need to escape.
"Helen, My love! we must leave! Now!" Fabocusa shouted as he threw his rifle over his shoulder and lifted her into his arms like a firefighter carrying a child out of a burning house.
A swarm of possessed Spacer medical probes were rushing towards them, but his brother
[you never mentioned that Fabocusa’s brother was here, and that’s confusing!]
was carrying a light beam machine gun and blowing up every medical probe that was getting near them. When they got out of the hospital, every power plant was blowing up, every building was collapsing, vehicles were crashing randomly, the roads were opening up, and many missiles and bombs were going off. Many people were being gassed to death as the demon was gassing the entire planet, so Fabocusa had her wear a gas mask.
"We got to get to the throne room," Fabocusa said urgently to Helen. "At the back, there is a portal that would take you to Chartorla. You will be safe from Seiton!"
They kept looking up as many Spacer ships crashed into the planet. They had to get to the palace before it gets destroyed by a crashing ship. Flames spread faster than a wildfire and everyone was burned until they were [to]
-see how you can say this with a single word?-
ashes. The world was falling apart and there was not anything the Spacers could do to stop it.
"Come on! You can get there!" Fabocusa kept saying hoping that she would make it. Then the control system of the portal made a [singlular] beeping noises [plural]
– they should match. Either “made a beeping noise” or “made beeping noises” –
telling him that she made it to Chartorla. Fabocusa smiled as she made to the planet safe and sound from Seiton. Then a Spacer ship crashed through the roof of the palace and the last king of the Spacers was killed [died].
-try to speak in an “active” voice versus a “passive” voice. “died” is active, while “was killed” is passive.
Good luck with this and keep writing!
There are a few but nothing major. It probably wouldn't mess with your structure.
With that being said, I would recommend reviewing a grammar book for proper sentence structure, tense, and rules of grammar. This will help you fix many of the grammatical errors.
When it comes time to cut stuff as you edit, you have to be willing to slash and burn, so to speak. Getting rid of every excess descriptive word and tightening up your writing will improve it.
Here are some examples from your first paragraph, where I would make changes:
Seventeen year old Helen...
[is 'seventeen' really the FIRST word you want to start out your novel? Personally,I think the first sentence, even the first word should be powerful.]
...was lying on the table in a labor room of the hospital waiting for her husband to come and see her...
['to come and see her' is extra verbiage and not necessary as the action is implied if you just say 'waiting for her husband'.]
She had black hair like a raven, her skin was pale, and her eyes were amber color.
[adding these descriptions here breaks up the flow of the writing, and seems only to serve to tell us what she looks like, which can be done anytime.]
As she was lying in the bed,...
[a minute ago she was lying on a table, not in a bed]
...she was rubbing her bulged belly as she reached the end of her pregnancy. She and her lover have...
[you have been writing in past tense, and here you switch to present tense. Keep the tense the same throughout the paragraph by using 'had' instead of 'have']
...been waiting patiently for their child to come and that time had come. She hoped that her love will come before the child was born. She does not want him to miss it....
['does' is present tense, and should be 'did']
[This can be really tightened up, without losing any impact. Here's an example of what I mean, where I re-write your opening paragraph:
The unborn child in Helen's womb kicked as the contractions came faster. It wouldn't be long now. "Hurry, Fabocusa," she whispered between panting breaths. Rubbing her pale bulging belly, her amber eyes were locked on the door to the delivery room. If her husband didn't come soon he would miss the birth. A tear ran down the side of her face and landed in matted raven hair. Another contraction began. "Fabocusa," she whispered again, grimacing with pain. Seventeen was too young to be giving birth, especially alone.
PS: If you're wondering why I'm not reccomending you read the chapters after the first two, it's because I'm in the process of rewrites. Chapter 2 is on the way.