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The Last Battle

  In a room filled with glowing crystals, a tyrian reptilian man, Seiton, sat in his high throne engraved with gargoyles. He held a glass map of the Milky Way Galaxy and smiled deliciously as his beady red eyes skimmed the surface of its black and shaded portions.

  Only this star system, Navi was highlighted blue. He touched that star for interface and an image of planet Okma flickered above the map. This planet had native ships flying around it like bees warning each other of danger.

  “Spacers,” the man spoke. “All your worlds are destroyed by my touch. Your corpses are disintegrated by my footsteps. You don’t stand a chance in the universe. Now, my Titan Empire has become my galaxy against your world. You will all perish.”

  A spiky armored-Titan entered the room. “Lord Seiton, my men are ready.”

  His throne creaked as Seiton turned to the soldier and smiled. “Excellent, activate the relay and set our course to Okma. It is time the Spacers all die.”

  “Yes, my lord,” the soldier bowed and hurried out of the room.

  Meanwhile, the last fleet of Spacer cruisers formed a shield around their home world. They appeared as a set of three large blue glass spheres connected by gold rails on each side with wings. There, they waited in the atmosphere for their enemies to close in.

  Some distance away, a white speck appeared and spread outward into a vortex. Violet streams of electricity shot out as swarms of sharp corners emerged out of the void. The Titans' movements were sharp, precise, and cut through the defense wall. Spacer ships fell as a storm of shooting stars. The Titans mercilessly spread the full extent of their invasion upon the people of Okma. Wildfires burned across the land.

    Gaion, the only remaining city, stood tall in this growing storm. The tallest tower in this last city quickly spread an orange force field in an attempt to hold back the ships' attack. To buy more time, the remaining Spacers activated their turrets. Blue beams pierced through the overhanging clouds of destruction. The first line of Titan cruisers disintegrated upon contact. Hundreds remained. Angered, they fired and the Spacer's shields wavered until it shattered like thin glass.

    The Spacers ran out of the city amidst the collapsing buildings and raging fires. The Titan ships landed and their troops ran after them. The Spacers ran through the burning forest as the tall, grey-skinned Titans gained on them. The Spacers soldiers fired their rifles' particle beams as they ran. Burning trees fell like dominoes, forcing them slide under.

    As the Spacers found themselves in a desert of ash, a few of them threw gamma grenades, which vaporized a couple rows of Titans. Many of the Titans retreated, having had their armor torn apart, revealing their glowing open wounds. Some hacked away burning trees with their swords with electrical blades. A couple released lightning bolts from their hands and blasted a path out of the forest.

    As the Spacers fled, they caught a glimpse of an iron step pyramid. The Spacers were knocked down as Titan tanks plunged from the sky and smashed into the surface like meteorites. These resembled giant king crabs with eight high legs attached to a spherical body and two particle accelerator cannons as pincers. With agility and speed, the Spacers leaped onto them and tossed their last grenades into the accelerators. They jumped off and took cover as the tanks exploded.

    The Spacers, hidden in the pyramid, grabbed ionic machine guns from the armory and aimed them out of the openings. On their scope, they spotted three of their comrades running toward them with a wave of Titans behind. Two of them opened the bunker and fired cosmic ray launchers. Then balls of lightning shot out of the weapons, ripping enemy ships apart. The running Spacers sprinted to the open the vehicle entrance and pushed a button to seal themselves inside.

    In the bunker, the computer screens that covered the walls showed the planetary defense systems failing as more Titan ships entered Okma’s orbit from the open rift. The Spacers fleet had been destroyed, along with the cities. Some soldiers loaded their weapons in a dark armory and ran to the windows to fire at the Titans. The others were at the back of the bunker repairing their tanks. These looked like blue, glowing fighter jets with bulky accelerators instead of wings.

    One soldier touched the back of his neck. The nanobots of his diamond armor released the latches. Steam hissed out of the opening. He lifted his helmet off. His snow white skin touched the air. Tattoos cyan icicles scarred the Spacer's neck and forehead. He revealed his pale face with purple flame tattoos on his cheeks. His hand passed the long white hair to touch his communicator implant in his ear.

    "Captain Carato,” he yelled through the firestorm. “Corporal Fedlo, here. We are pinned at north of the Atla Region."

    Captain Carato responded, "I'll contact Councilor Feidlima to get your men out of here. Once she finds you, follow her into the Ark. Hold the Titans off as long as you can."

    A woman dressed in a thin-skinned diamond suit awoke to find herself under a pile of burning metal scraps. She turned her head around to look for her helmet. She frowned. It was crushed to bits by the rubble. It was dark and so she closed her artificial eyes and her vision changed to night vision.

    Her eyes widened as a tank opened hissing a vapor of toxic green gas. I got to get out of here she thought. She coughed as her lungs burned through suffocation. Water dripped cold onto her face. Pushing the button at the side of her waist, the dripping water was absorbed into her suit. Finally, mist shot out of out her hand and ice sealed the leaking tank. She breathed with relief as the air gap cooled.

    She looked up and saw a small hole with a light beaming down to her. With all her strength regained, she pushed the rubble up and got up on her feet. She bent and punched the hole to make it bigger. After she was able to climb out of the scraps, she found herself in the middle of Gaion, now just a mountain range of rubble.

    "Feidlima, are you there?" Her communicator vibrated in her ear.

    She touched her ear. "Yes, Captain Carato. What's the situation?"

    Captain Carato said, "Most of us are at the Ark. Corporal Fedlo and his team are being bombarded at one of our bunkers. They want to get escorted to the Ark and they need you!"

    "Give me the coordinates to the bunker," said Feidlima. Five seconds later, a holographic map projected out of her wrist. Looking at where she was as compared to the bunker. She put her hands in the city's last leaking water reservoir and absorbed the water into her suit. Sprinting through the burning forest, she put the fire out by spewing mist out of her palms.

    She got out of the other side of the forest and leaped to the top of a sand dune. There the Titans were firing at the Spacers' bunker with their tanks. Her eye implants zoomed in close to the bunker. As she looked, the cosmic launcher-wielding Spacers continued to fire at more approaching Titan fighter ships. More tanks flew down to the ground to blow up the bunker. One Titan fired his sniper and hit a couple of magazines of the Spacers’ machine guns, electrocuting three Spacers. The soldiers regrouped and continued to fight.

    Feidlima ran up to the Titans' side of the battlefield and placed her hand on the ground. Blue mists spewed from the arm of her suit, causing the opponent's side to transform into a frozen landscape. More Titans stepped onto the ice and crystallized into frozen sculptures.

    A few more Titans dove from their ships and she fired radiated ice bullets from her pistol at them. As the projectiles struck them, they froze and smashed into pieces when their bodies crashed to the surface. Other Titans charged at her and she pressed her hands firmly to the ground. Her hands glowed and she waved them around and aimed for the ground. Stakes of ice pinned more of them. A couple of surviving Titans charged at her, but she impaled them with her ice blades from her arms.

    Fedlo and the others bowed to her as she entered the bunker. He said, "Councilor Feidlima, twenty-five of my soldiers died."

    "You did what you could," said Feidlima. "We must reach the Ark. Councilor Cade had his men hack the Titans' gates, sending every fleet of their ships into this region."

    Fedlo's eyes widened, finding this news nothing short of insane. "You transported them from across the galaxy to here? They will wipe us out."

    "They will if we don't activate the portal in time," she warned. "Now hurry!"

    Under her order, Fedlo rushed to the control panels. He quickly looked around to find the self-destruct button. Other soldiers ran out just as the Titans bashing against the door shook the bunker. He placed his hand on a red square for self-destruction and trembled to the back of the bunker. As he got to the exit, Feidlima grabbed his hand and they sprinted back to the group. They ran as fast as possible towards the Ark. He grabbed his binoculars and zoomed in to see the Titans burst into the bunker. Through the scope, the Titans disintegrated as the bunker exploded.

    Columns of smoke rose from mountains of ash and dust as the Spacers passed by. Their vehicles skid from the ground’s shaking. Within minutes, they came upon a massive golden pyramid with engraved writings. The white tip brightened to the countdown for the Ark’s launch.

    Fedlo's men rushed out of the convoy and headed to the top while Feidlima stayed behind, freezing everything. Titan fighter ships locked target on her. A male Spacer with a cannon shaped like a Van de Graaff generator shot them down.

    Feidlima ran up to him. "Thank you, Judus!"

    Judus grabbed her hand. "Come on!"

    Feidlima and Judus looked up and another wave of Titan ships came out of the rift. The last Spacer fleet hovered above the Ark and then flew into its hangar. The rest of the Councilors-- Teutor, Cuno, and their leader, Cade, guarded the entrance at the top as they waited for them.

    Once everyone was together, they rushed inside just as the Titans closed in on them. The control room was constructed of glass and had five enormous columns. A narrow projector in the floor displayed a holographic image of their galaxy. Lights all over the room represented the cables.

    "This is it," said Cade. "Time to banish the Titans to Tartarus!"

    "Five of our transporting gates have been installed as engines for the Ark. These will get us out of this system as fast as possible," said Teutor. He punched in the codes at the side of the control panel in front of him.

    "Activate the portal, now!" Feidlima screamed.

    Five multicolored domes emerged from the panel before the council. Each Spacer touched the one before them. Immediately, hundreds of moon-sized panels circled around the stellar region to create a planet - encompassing ring which in turn created a vortex to swallow both the entire planet and Titan fleet.

    The Titans were caught off guard as the vortex was formed. They tried to fly away from the planet, but it began growing. Their open rift also fed on it making the vortex grow faster. The Titans tried to give their ship all the power they had to warp themselves out of the system. But it was no use; the vortex swallowed them up faster than they could escape.

    The Spacers looked at their galaxy map for a new planet to resettle. Their planet was being pulled in by the vortex. Cade touched a planet within the Navi system and everyone grabbed a hold of something as the Ark shook from the vibrating gates.

    The control panels split in half and a glowing white column emerged from between them. It flashed and beeped rhythmically, indicating that someone was trying to make contact. As they answered it, an image of Seiton appeared before them. His beastly eyes glowed red with hatred. Cracks glowed from his goat horns. His cape opened to reveal his lightning bolt medallion hung over his chest. Miniature gadgets popped in and out as he stared at the Councilors.

    "Spacers," Seiton snarled in disgust. "What have you done?"

    "We are banishing you from the galaxy!" Cade shouted.

    "I will be back before long," his eyes narrowed as he pointed at them. "Soon, I will find the Cradle of Light and recreate all in accordance to my own will!"

    Feidlima looked into his devilish eyes and the implants shock within her head. She clutched her own eyes, falling to the floor. Cade touched the glowing column and the Spacer gates launched them out to safety. Seiton snarled as the transmission ended. "I will return!"

    Cade and Teutor ran up to Feidlima just as the Ark started to spin. Nearly every Spacer was strapped against as the wall. The portals had enough force to propel the Ark away from the growing vortex. It was then shot away from the region and into the other side of the galaxy. The Titans were finally exiled.

    The last Spacers unstrapped themselves and looked out the window. After fighting across the galaxy for thousands of years, space was now quiet again. For others, it was their first time seeing a calm sea of stars.

    The group helped Feidlima to her feet. She opened her eyes and tears poured out of them. She clutched her head as the implants radiated pain from her eyes to temples. Teutor escorted her to a bench as she tried to calm herself. Cade approached her and asked, "What happened?"

    Feidlima panted loudly, trying to regain her composure enough to answer. After a few moments she replied. "I looked into his eyes and saw our fate. I saw the future of us all."

    "The war is over," said Cuno. “Seiton will never return.”

    "No, Seiton will come back!" She cried and rubbed her eyes, as if trying to get rid of the vision.

    "Feidlima, please tell us more of this vision," said Cade.

    Feidlima wiped her eyes. "He will return and turn every piece of technology against our kin. Soon after, he will have access to the Cradle of Light and recreate the universe."

    The Council looked at each other trying to figure out what they must do. Seiton’s banishment was the only way to end the war. Or so they thought.

    “Seiton is beyond insane!” Cuno shouted. “He and the Titans wiped out the Mechanoids and drove us to near extinction.”

    Judus turned to Feidlima. “What else did you see in the vision?”

    Feidlima continued, "I did see other worlds inhabited with a variety of intelligent beings...but we never interacted with any of them.”

    Cade took a minute to think. "My comrades, we have been raised by the Mechanoids to thrive in the galaxy with the Titans before Seiton. For thousands of years, generations have been fighting from planet to planet. We took our last stand and banished them. In Feidlima’s vision, she saw primitives with various powers and skills that would be very useful. If Seiton returns, we must have the primitives ready for him."

   "How?" Judus asked.

   Cade went on to explain. "We must meet them face to face and cultivate them into civilization. Once their civilizations are established, their technology will grow to be as advanced as ours. With our guidance and their technological advancement, they will come together and assemble the most powerful legion the galaxy has ever seen. Then we will truly defeat the Titans."

   "What if we don't survive until then?" Feidlima asked.

   "We have to. Otherwise if we die, then they will all die."
This is a new prologue to the first Hybrid Story. My friend suggested I write a different prologue that started before Helen's Hospital Scene that way the readers will get a better idea of what the heck is going to happen next. What do you think?
The preview image was drawn by 0-xcheekymonkeyx-0 Check her gallery if you want to. 0-xcheekymonkeyx-0.deviantart.…
Chapter 1: Hybrid, Chapter 1: The Child
Chapter 2: Hybrid, Chapter 2: The Prophet
Chapter 3: Hybrid, Chapter 3: The Helbots
Chapter 4: Hybrid, Chapter 4: The Marine
Chapter 5: Hybrid, Chapter 5: The Escape
Chapter 6: Hybrid, Chapter 6: The World Leaders
Chapter 7: Hybrid, Chapter 7: A New Life
Chapter 8: Hybrid, Chapter 8: Aquamaids
Chapter 9: Hybrid, Chapter 9: What is he?
Chapter 10: Hybrid, Chapter 10: School
Chapter 11: Hybrid, Chapter 11: Half Human
Chapter 12: Hybrid, Chapter 12: The Museum
Chapter 13: Hybrid, Chapter 13: His A's and the Artifacts
Chapter 14: Hybrid, Chapter 14: Alpha
Chapter 15: Hybrid, Chapter 15: Helen's Diary
Chapter 16: Hybrid, Chapter 16: Helen's Close Encounter
Chapter 17: Hybrid, Chapter 17: A Fairy Tale
Chapter 18: Hybrid, Chapter 18: Hurtful Truth
Chapter 19: Hybrid, Chapter 19: Feidlima
Chapter 20: Hybrid, Chapter 20: Depressed
Chapter 21: Hybrid, Chapter 21: Adam's Discovery
Chapter 22: Hybrid, Chapter 22: Alexander's Nightmare
Chapter 23: Hybrid, Chapter 23: Training Season
Chapter 24: Hybrid, Chapter 23: David's Loyalty
Chapter 25: Hybrid, Chapter 24: Prom Nightmare
Chapter 26: Hybrid, Chapter 26: The Helbots Returned
Chapter 27: Hybrid, Chapter 27: Midas
Chapter 28: Hybrid, Chapter 28: Let Me Go
Chapter 29: Hybrid Chapter 29: Play God
Add a Comment:
Wow, this thing is sitting in 196 groups and there are just 25 comments so far. Ugh, I guess that's dA for you. Sometimes I wish these group admins would either actually give feedback or just be more selective about what they pass through submission, but I digress.

First I'd like to congratulate you on following your dreams and getting an entire draft of a novel typed out. 37 chapters is a lot and most people do not have that kind of commitment. But based on what I see here I think you have A LOT of work ahead of you and I would encourage you to work on getting a few short stories published in actual sci-fi magazines in order to have a better idea of what you will need to do to get Hybrid ready for publication. Self publishing works for some people, but I would highly discourage putting Hybrid out there in its present form. The main thing you need at this point is to find a good beta reader who will be brutally honest with you and push you to where you need to be: befriend the best writer you can find, invest time into him/her, and then ask for feedback every once in a while. I noticed in your most recent journal that you are reading Resolution by Ezri and I commend you for that. Ezri is a great person and I liked the upbeat feel of that novel.

Vision *** - There is only so far you can go with this kind of a setup. What you basically have is a ripoff of mythology deep-fried in sci-fi atmosphere and given the 'recreate the universe' capability you seem to be digging yourself into a hole. My advice: pay attention to what is going on around you in real life, listen to people, and try to integrate more of what you experience and observe into your writings. That being said, excellent presentation can get you very far even with formulaic stories. Truth be told, if the actual prose is good enough you can get away with a lot of the other flaws.

Originality **** - It's always refreshing to see a non-fanfiction story, but as I read this it felt a lot like I was reading a cross between a Thor fanfic and a Stargate fanfic. The way to score points in the originality department is through original characters, original plots, and original settings--none of which I saw in this prologue. Your characters are contrived and one-dimensional; the plot is not particularly complex or unique; and the setting seems as if it was pulled right out of the last Thor movie (you know, that desolate place where Thor was fighting the Dark Elves...).

Technique ** - Dude, DorianHarper wasn't kidding when he said you have a lot of grammatical issues to work out, and based on the latest version that I read I can't say I blame him for blowing off your March 1st comment. Get your [butt] in there and fix this thing!

Impact ** - The key to making an impact is getting a good sense of reader empathy. One of the main problems here is that you introduce too many new words that quite frankly just don't mean anything yet. "Titans," "Spacer Elite," about five character names--the reader hasn't been properly introduced. Think about the beginning of Star Wars IV: there were very few vocabulary words introduced and very few characters' names were mentioned.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
8 out of 8 deviants thought this was fair.

First and foremost, I like that you start right in with the action. I think a lot of writers get a little description heavy in their prologue/1st chapter. That being said, I think it would help to also have one or two sentences as a lead in to the action. Give us a general idea of where this is taking place and why. Only takes a few sentences, not a heavy description.

you write, " White skinned, blue-eyed beings known as the Spacers ran across the rocky desert as they were under attack by their ruthless enemy, the Titans."

I think you can combine this with the next sentence, and have it read. ".....they were under attack by their ruthless enemy, the titans who were slaughtering everyone in their path."

You write, "The hiding Spacers in the bunker grabbed the ionic machine guns from the armory and aimed them out of the openings."

I would recommend: "The Spaces that were hiding in the bunker grabbed the ionic machine guns from the armory...." It flows better this way.

In the next section, be careful of your use of exclamation points. (!) We can gather from the context of the story and action that it is a stressful situation and there doesn't need to be an exclamation point after every sentence.

You write,"A woman dressed in a bulky diamond full battle suit stepped out of the ice cap."
The description of the armor is a little bit awkward here. Maybe "A bulky diamond platted battle suit." You can get rid of the word "full" since a suit would mean being in full. i.e. a suit of armor would have all the components, unless otherwise stated.

You write, " Five domes emerged from the panel. Feidlima touched a blue dome, Teutor touched a purple dome, Cuno touched a red dome, Judus touched a yellow dome, and Cade touched a green dome."

This seems a little repetitive to me. You could have a sentence explaining that each of the domes are different colors and then just add, "Each of the soldiers stood at separate domes." condense it a bit.

You write, " Feidlima looked into Seiton's devilish eyes, clutched her eyes, and fell to the floor." I think you should take a few sentences to explain exactly what it happening to her. I thought her eyes were melting, the first time I read this, or that she had been possessed. Take the time to explain what it happening.

You write, " Her tears poured out as a fountain."

This is a little bit awkward for me. I would choose something other than a fountain. I know she is very upset, but this sentence made it seem a little too cartoon-y for me. You could just say, "Tears poured down her face."

Overall, I enjoyed your prologue. I think you have a good start here. Thanks for sharing!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

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NeoPaladinOfLight Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
So what we have here? A great battle's taking place. Heavy on the action. I like it. Good way to kick things off in a prologue. I see that you've received a few critiques from some esteemed writers below, and have updated accordingly. It definitely shows. The action is good. It happens at a good pace. None of that boring, "telling" is done. All and all, it's pretty decent.

So the way I look at things is, well, I just look at them. The things that jump out at me are the things I make a comment on.

He laughed for black shades covered nearly all the map.
For some reason, this comes off as an awkward sentence to me. Other than the fact that there should be a comma after "laughed," it just doesn't seem like it fits with the flow here. Dude's looking at a map, and he sees black shades? And the black shades make him laugh? Maybe this could be reworded/merged with the previous sentence. "His hands waved over a hovering holographic map of the Milky Way Galaxy, and he laughed at the image he saw. Black shades covered nearly all the map."

The Spacers soldiers fired their rifles' particle beams as they ran.
Think you meant to say, "Spacer solders." Or maybe you meant "The Spacers."

The Spacers hidden in the pyramid grabbed ionic
Should be a comma after "Spacers" and after "pyramid."

One of them, a Spacer, touched the back of his neck.
This sentence starts out one way, and ends another. Makes it ambiguous. Who or what is "one of them," and whose neck is getting touched? Starting out, I'm thinking that the Spacer is one of them, because that's how it's set up in the sentence, but if that were the case, then the Spacer would be touching the back of someone's neck. But since you haven't told us anything about "his," there's nothing here to go with. So I'm left to re-read the sentence with the assumption that the Spacer is the one who gets touched by whoever "one of them" is. Now I don't know who "one of them" is, and the whole sentence is even more messed up because the subject got flipped.

And because of that ambiguity, the following paragraph has no frame of reference, because you're still referring to this unknown "he."

She panicked; I got to get out of here.
Pretty sure that "I got to get..." is a thought. It would be good to italicize it. Or you could put it in quotes, and add a "she thought." However you wanna do it, just make sure there's a distinction to the reader that makes sense.

She bent punched the hole to make it bigger.
"She bent AND punched at the whole." Or maybe "She punched at the hole."

Finally, she ran up to the Titans' side
I don't see what adding "finally" does here. A sequence of events are happening, but since she's not directly doing the events herself--really the only thing she's doing at this point is just looking--"finally" doesn't make sense to me here. I would cut it, and just have the sentence start off with "Feidlima ran..."

They must leave if they didn’t want to be banished along with the Titans.
Really awkward sentence because of the tenses used. You're writing in past tense throughout the whole chapter, which is good. You're sticking with one thing. That's really good. Works for consistency. But I think in trying to keep that in mind, you didn't really know how to work that in with this sentence in question. This could be fixed a number of ways. The quickest way is to change "didn't" into "don't." That's the main offender. "They" is a group, and "didn't" refers to a single person, so having them together is messed up. But personally, I would look into restructuring this sentence in a way that conveys the meaning of just leaving. We already know the reason they're leaving.
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, this is the critique I was looking for. Your thoughts on how to make it better really helps. :) What did you think of the villain? I am glad that you got into my series. Thank you very much!
NeoPaladinOfLight Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Honestly, the villain was pretty cartoony and cheesy. The monologues, the "curses! foiled again!" Got a lil bit of everything you'd get from a classic Saturday morning cartoon. Not saying that's a good or bad thing. In spite of the cartoonish nature of his portrayal, he can still be menacing, and he can still be a threat. So long as his actions truly affect the story, and actually raise the stakes for the protagonist, dude could be a carbon copy of Mojo Jojo, and your audience'll still be able to fear and/or respect him.
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Ok, I can make him more threatening if he is like a cartoon villain. Other than that, does this prologue make you want to read more?
NeoPaladinOfLight Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Actions will always speak louder. As long as he's doing impressive stuff, he'll come off as impressive.
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Then you would be in for a treat then!
Crtfd Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Nice job ! 
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :) What did you like about it?
unicornsquest Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
Excellent! Well done!
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! I expanded the book so people can understand it more.
0-xcheekymonkeyx-0 Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2014
This is much better! You've improved a lot and it definitely keeps the reader more in suspense and the plot itself.
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :)
0-xcheekymonkeyx-0 Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2014
Anytime :)
My-Sword-is-Bigger Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hey, here are the rules for submitting a piece to Try-Your-Page. You sorta have to give just a bit of quick feedback to other works before your work can be submitted. Thanks! :D (Big Grin)
Cobrateen Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer

Critique courtesy of GrammarNaziCritiques:

Right away the line “A hundred thousand years ago, there was a planet” has me worried. Why a hundred thousand years ago? Why not ten thousand years or a million years or a hundred thousand and one years? I mean, I doubt it was exactly that number of years, unless this story starts on some kind of celebrated anniversary. It's a cliché but “Long ago” is a much stronger start because it doesn't cause me to ask questions that are unimportant, thus taking me out of the story … or if the number of years is important, how? Consider the line “One year ago the battle began” and what that tells the reader; not just that a battle began or that it began a year ago, but also we can expect a certain mood for the start, a We've Been At War For A Year mood. That's different from one month or several years or a lifetime, and thus interesting.

And then the rest of your first paragraph just confuses me: first the Spacers and the Titans are warring, and I'm cool with that. I imagine these two giant armies clashing, trading blows and not caring about the neutral third parties they hurt or the planets they ravage. But then the Spacers are running desperately from the ruthless and unstoppable Titans? That's not a war, that's a genocide. It sounds like the Titans are doing all the ravaging and the Spacers are just trying to get away. And are they both extraterrestrial? Meaning they chose some planet other than their own to have this not-war?

Second paragraph and onward, I think I'm feeling whiplash from this sudden close-up view of a battle. This works in film when a narrator does a voice-over explaining current events (first paragraph) while we see a battle that epitomizes those events (second paragraph and onward) but you are not writing a film script, you are writing prose. There are differences between the two. Maybe if you made that first paragraph italic to differentiate it?

And because you are not writing a film script, don't do that whole “each Titan was fully armored with bulky muscles and grey skin with glowing purple wounds and scars were clearly visible. They were slightly larger than a Spacer, and have goat horns sticking out at each side of their heads. Each of them carried heavy duty weapons.” That's too much description at once for prose, space out your descriptions and start with the important stuff like the horns. That line feels exactly like you are giving description to the makeup and wardrobe team, it needs to come off more naturally for your readers.

“and scars were clearly visible” makes the sentence run on, try something like, “glowing purple wounds, their scars clearly visible.”

“and have goat horns” needs to use “had” since the rest of this piece is in past tense, be careful with your tenses

For some reason I can't see this first scene very well. I thought Fedlow and his soldiers jumped in a convenient trench and started firing last-stand style, but the Titans were so badass that it did nothing and so the Titans were standing over them - “As they looked up” - about to kill them. But then Fedlow calls for reinforcements, gives a one-liner pep talk and they all shoot some more … and the Titans are only now coming to get them with tanks? I thought they were right there, but now they are across the field of battle?

Don't tell us that the Spacer guns malfunctioned, show us and make it interesting. And what, they all malfunctioned? Isn't that kind of weird or suspicious?

Unless those are self-propelled grenades they did not fly them at the Titans, I think you meant “threw” instead of “flew” … although self-propelled grenades would be pretty futuristic and cool.

“All of a sudden” is one of the most cliché ways to start a sentence; it immediately tells the reader that whatever happens next will be different and important, so why not show how different and important it is instead? Which you do by showing the opposing side become a frozen landscape as a woman in badass armor steps in to the scene and kills all the Titans in thirty seconds. You don't need that start to show that the tide was turned all of a sudden because we see it happen.

“a woman in a bulky diamond full battle suit with” would be easier to understand. And where are the flames? In her armor? In her hands? Above her head? And why does she “appear” as a woman? Using “appeared” like that implies she is not as she seems. Maybe change the last two sentences of that paragraph to say something like, “A woman appeared in a bulky diamond full battle suit, burning blue flames around her hands as she stepped out of the ice cap.” Then when Fedlo bows to her he introduces her more naturally as “Councilor Feidlima” instead of just “Dear Councilor” which feels a little smarmy.

Instead of telling the reader he thinks she is insane, show us in some way, maybe with big shocked eyes, mouth agape, or just have him add, “Are you insane?!”

I'm really curious how they transported the Titans … this could be something to be revealed, but I'm worried it will turn out to be a plot hole. If they could transport the Titans here, why not transport them in to a star or a black hole or something? Or maybe you mean they lured them all here, but then how? Are the Titans really dumb enough to all be lured to one place, to what is obviously a trap?

So I understand that this mountain is also the pyramid mentioned by Captain Carato, and so they were headed there from the start … but they seem to have arrived really quickly. Why wasn't the mountain part of the scenery description during the trench fighting if it was so close? And why did they jump in the trench for a last stand if the mountain where the guys with super powers had gathered was so close? And you know that a mountain is not the same as a pyramid, right? The visual, in other words what the reader sees in their mind's eye, is completely different.

Even more cliché than “All of a sudden” is a man named Judus who smiles and promises to have your back. It's not bad, but I will roll my eyes when he betrays everyone, and if he doesn't betray everyone then why was he set up to do so? It's a lose-lose name unless you are doing something really, really clever with it … which, having read to the end now, maybe you are.

Please read what you write out-loud, preferably with someone listening. Note where it sounds awkward, like “Five domes they must touch to activate the ring” as if Yoda was the narrator. Change those places.

A static image means unmoving, and yet Seiton (lol, Satan) looks at them, his eyes glow red and he snarls. That's a lot of movement right there, not static at all.

How in the world did the vortex pull in every Titan ship, but not the Spacer ships nor the pyramid-ship? Their victory over Satan strains credulity to the breaking point, it's too easy. Maybe someone has to do a heroic sacrifice, maybe Judus shows he isn't such a bad guy by distracting Satan for a while as everyone else sneaks away using cloaking illusions, then Judus hits the win button and goes out with a smile … ha, because Judus was a double agent and is betraying Satan! Or maybe the entire Spacer fleet is banished along with Satan, heroic sacrifice on a species scale, while the Councilors survive because the pyramid is protected.

Okay, so thanks to Feidlima having that convenient vision we now know why a hundred thousand years was important … still, it feels silly, like the narrator knew she would say that later and so was able to say “One hundred thousand years ago!” with complete honesty and without any irony. If it was me, I would take out that “One hundred thousand years ago” from this prologue and instead use “One hundred thousand years later” to start the first chapter because at least by then we know why that number is important … or even better, just get rid of those exact numbers entirely and have Feidlima say that Satan would return someday, she doesn't know when.

Despite it's awkward writing or cliché moments, this prologue genuinely works well to start a story about a world in which technology is both our greatest strength and weakness. Cade wants to guide the primitive race (Humans I assume) to be technologically advanced … which is the stupidest plan he could suggest seeing as Feidlima just told them that Satan would win using their technology, it seems like what he should do is suggest they keep the primitive people primitive while training them to be badass warriors even without tech. But hey, people suggest dumb plans sometimes, it works. Anyway, I can see Cade's dumb plan leading to a modern day where technology is feared (Satan will see you though your TV!) and respected (we need technology to defeat Satan!) and so there are genuine fears of networked technology, but maybe the Humans forgot why and so people are starting to do it anyway … a clever parallel to the real world where social networking is sometimes called the tool of the devil and seems to be capable of both bringing us together and tearing us apart. And meanwhile those Councilors were guiding humanity in their own ways, such as Teutor creating the Teutonic Knights or Judus being Judas. If you're doing something like that I applaud you, that's very ambitious and cool!

In summery, please read what you have written out loud and fix the writing that sounds awkward, there's quite a lot of that; if you don't know what sounds awkward, all I can say is read more. If you want to write a movie script then I suggest you do so, but know the difference between the two. Spelling seems pretty good but there's a small bit of work to be done with tenses still, as well as point of view. Remember to show don't tell, and especially work on describing the environments so that readers can see the scene and know where everything is … but to be honest small stuff like all that is excusable, especially when you have a clever, ambitious and visually dramatic story like I hope you do.

Any questions?

CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Alright then, I see you point on this prologue. I have followed your tips and I made the prologue sound much better now. I added some more details not trying to sound like I am telling. I fixed the parts you have seen and kept looking it over. Would you be able to reread this? Would you also be interested in the next chapter?
Cobrateen Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer

I'll give rereading this piece a try. But in the future please, instead of asking a critic to read the whole piece again, ask directed questions like “Did this change work?” or “What if I did this?” Have a conversation, don't just say "Again!" As for any other chapters … I'm interested by your story, but it wasn't easy and besides the critique I gave you was for my group. Perhaps we could trade critiques as a separate matter, one for one?

“On their world” … you're telling again, ironically you could have done that back when you had a narrator but without one it feels awkward, though I'm glad to discover this is the Spacer homeworld, that makes the end of this chapter more meaningful

“an army of … Spacers ran into their bunker” … I think you need more than 10 to 35 soldiers to have an army, this seems to be an artifact from when you were talking about two ravaging armies

“and wielded advanced” … really, a sentence like this doesn't sound off to you when you read it back to yourself? The tense would be “wielding” unless you change the whole sentence.

“then summoned tanks” … magically summoned, out of thin air? Because that's what this feels like.

“released massive sparks” … either this is the worst malfunction ever or that Judus guy is involved somehow, the former is taking your description of a malfunction a little too far but the latter is interesting

If you're going to use my suggested sentence exactly in the rewrite, do I get writing credit?

“and have only ten” … I was hoping you would see this yourself while re-writing, I believe there should be a pronoun in here

Feidlima calling the pyramid an ark is nice, I don't think I noticed that before

Either “Cade had his men hack the Titans' gates” or “Cade's men hacked the Titans' gates” would be more grammatically correct than what you have now, I can't really explain why. Also I'm still left wondering why they didn't just send the Titans into a black hole with this sneaky stuff.

If you have succeeded at showing instead of telling that he found the plan insane then you won't need to say it, so take out “finding it insane” and figure out a way to show it. Think about it like this: how would you react to hearing a really insane plan? Back away? Laugh uncomfortably? Get angry? Now figure out how Fedlo, a war-hardened soldier and leader of others, would react. Write that. Don't tell your readers he thinks the plan is insane (revealing a thought inside his head is bad because this piece isn't from his first person POV) show it. It's even a little bad to tell your readers he was shocked, that being both an emotion inside his head and a facial expression. And timing is important too. Let's say his eyes go wide, but when? Generally his facial reaction would happen after she speaks and before he speaks, but the tense and placement of the phrase “his eyes widen” has it happening after he speaks.

I'm still wary about Judus' name but that smile going away helps

“They needed to reunited” is bad grammar, and the rest of this sentence is telling. Why not have someone say it? As in, “We need to reunite with the rest of the Council or our race will come to an end!”

“The one with fire … was Teutor” … same as before with Feidlima, when you introduce someone don't just tell the reader who they are, find a way to reveal their name in a more natural manner. And should I know what Earth gauntlets and warp wings are? I can imagine some random weird thing for warp wings, but what are Earth gauntlets? Special named gauntlets that can control earth, or gauntlets made from earth?

You didn't really fix that “five domes” line with the change … get rid of “they must touch to activate the ring” since you show them doing exactly that in the next few lines.

“they would come together and assemble a prowess and mettle legion the galaxy would ever seen.” … what is a prowess and mettle legion? I understand the words separately but when put together in that way they make no sense. And I think you want something more like, “legion better than the galaxy has ever seen.” or maybe “assemble a legion of more prowess and mettle than the galaxy will ever see.”

“peace will be restored” … restored from what, the peace before Satan showed up in the first place? Something about this feels off.

The piece still feels more like a script and less like a novel. This is really hard for me to explain but there's just something dry or unmusical about your writing style, you write like someone who has watched a lot of TV but not read a lot of books. Your story has drama and visual flare and that's why I can see it working as a script in some visual medium, but your writing itself is clunky and unrefined for the needs of prose. Compare these three sentences “The good guy army attacked, they kill some guys on the other side. The other side attack next, they were big and way more badass. The good guys had to ran away.” to these three “Shots of violet plasma arced across the trench-covered battlefield, each hit a soldier down, left behind for the mercy of the victors. The horn-headed Titans in their plate-mail advanced as the white-skinned Spacers ran for their bunker, but even that was no promise of safety. The Titan's tanks rumbled forward.” See how the first (an exaggeration of how your writing sounds to me) is basic description of the exact events and the second sort of flows from one thing to the next? Issues like this with style will only improve after a lot of practice, a lot of feedback and a lot of reading other people's writing, so keep at it! Reading other people's work (preferably professionally published) will also help your grammar, so first and foremost get reading.

The rest of the piece is still full of those same grammar issues, sometimes even in the places you made changes. I can't fix it all. But here's the good news: the story is what matters most. Any good publishing house will fix the grammar before publishing, if the prose is in good enough shape for them to read it anyway; there are professional authors who struggle with grammar too but you wouldn't know it thanks to the publishing houses. What matters if you want to see this story published is that you have a dramatic plot (which you do) and an engaging writing style (which you need to practice) so don't worry too much about the grammar.

CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I finally fixed the whole prologue!
Cobrateen Featured By Owner May 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer

So far I'm not very impressed with this Pro Writer site you've been using. A lot of the issues I mentioned before are still there, along with some new things. The spider tanks are cool, along with the longer battle scenes at the start, but I doubt this site you've been using helped you with that. You are improving little by little, but it's going to take longer. Don't give up, getting good at anything takes time.

Cobrateen Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Panda Bunny Neko Misc Emoji-07 (Applause) [V1]

And do you have any directed questions about it?
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
No, I am just letting you know that I have gotten help and everyone loves my original plot.
Cobrateen Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
That's good to hear, I too enjoy it when everyone loves my original plot and helps to polish it. Speaking of, my offer still stands if you would like to trade lit critiques on a one-for-one basis; I could work my way through the rest of your story and you could do the same for mine. I think we would both benefit from this arrangement, and I would like having another reason to read the rest of your story.
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
(1 Reply)
NamelessSaint Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014  Professional Writer
Is this fan fiction?
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
No this is an original work that I made up on my own. The artist that did the covers is 0-xcheekymonkey-0.
Haos51 Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Why is this in my group? It's a nice story but I think you misunderstood what the group is for.
DorianHarper Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Professional Writer
I had come across you looking for some feedback on this story through the Literature Forums a while ago (the Monthly Critique Thread), as well as some other critique groups I help run. I thought I'd stop by and leave you some feedback thus far on the Prologue and would be more than happy to continue reading further and give a more detailed critique when I get some time (it gets rough since I work at a publishing company a few days a week and I have a lot of manuscripts to go through and work on on top of dA critiques). If you have any questions at all about anything I bring up here, I'd be more than happy to help clarify and give you a deeper critique when I get some time. Bear with me!

Like others have said before me, you've got a decent start here. It certainly gets the reader interested in what's to come in later chapters, so that's most certainly a plus. You drop the reader right into an interesting part of the story, as well, which is perfect for grabbing their attention right away and making them want to read on.

A lot of this piece was well done with flow for the most part, but there were some grammatical issues that stuck out when I was reading. Grammar and punctuation both are something with this I think needs some working on, but a few run-throughs with edits and I think you'll have a much more polished piece of work here.

There was also a lot of heavy/extended descriptions that could most definitely be cut. The first few paragraphs of description are really heavy with the information that is coming to the reader about the specifics and a lot of that can be done in a much simpler way without too much detail. Giving every distinct detail of the Spacers isn't necessary and it can bog down the writing quite a bit and lose the readers' interest. Due to this, there were also a lot of run-on sentences that I noticed (specifically towards the beginning) which can lose the reader in them.

Off of that, there were a lot of places throughout where there were needless words (adverbs especially) that could be eliminated to make the flow even smoother. I recommend reading it aloud to see what sounds right and what doesn't. The ear is always a better critic than the eye! If you find yourself stumbling over certain sentences when reading aloud or running out of breath reading them, etc., trimming is definitely something to consider. Every manuscript goes through a lot of trimming, and there's quite a bit here that could be taken out.

As for plot elements, I think you have a strong idea, but the world that you're creating just isn't fully formed on the page yet. You, as the writer, know your world like the back of your hand, but for the reader, this is new to us. Really get us to know and understand this world like you do. Ground us in it. Make us feel like we've been living there and are comfortable in how it works. You want to show your reader what your environment is like, and right now, with what little detail we do get, most of it is very telling. Show us (but remember to do so without extreme description like in the description of the Spacers). You'll be surprised how much more effective your opening becomes when you show and really get the reader grounded and invested in the world.

I think you're off to a good start, overall. You seem to know where you're going by this and what you want of the story, but it's still not on the page fully yet. Watch for grammatical and punctuation mistakes and remember to trim, trim, trim! Best of luck with revisions and the rest of your project!
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ok, I fixed it. What do you think?
Ay-My-Gulay Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Thank you for reviewing my story "Montaro". Like I promised, I would review a chapter of your story. SO here it goes:

An exciting read! Although, I would've enjoyed it more if I wasn't distracted by some of the grammatical errors I found:

:bulletred: You need to decide whether or not this is written in present- or past- tense. I find that you use past-tense more often, but you sometimes switched to present tense. Most stories are written in past-tense so I suggest you go through and fix all your present-tesnse verbs (the ones that end in -ing and a couple others) to past tense.

:bulletred: You are a little wordy. Especially when it comes to describing your characters. I know there are a lot of things to say about what they wear and how they look, but you don't have to list it all in one sentence. I find that you use a lot of commas when listing characteristics, when in all reality, you could have made them into separate sentences. Don't be afraid to put a period when you are describing things!

:bulletred: Like I said at the beginning, there were many distracting errors. I know you have like 33 chapters and probably haven't looked at your prologue in a long time, but I suggest that you reread your prologue and make some changes. I'm sure you'd be able to notice some of the mistakes. Some sentences are redundant and wordy, while others just don't make sense at all.

:bulletred: To bulk this story up a little more, you could describe the actions that the characters are doing as they are saying certain things like: fiddling with their hair, stroking their beard, scratching their head, cracking their knuckles. It makes things more descriptive for the readers.

Overall its and exciting read, the story line is interesting and action packed!
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for giving me feedback on my prologue. I have read over the prologue and fixed those past tense over and over to get it right. Also for the descriptions and the spacers I have made it into many sentences instead of one and it still sounds better. I hope this would make you want to read more of my story. Could you also give me feedback on Chapter 1: Helen's Rescue?
Ay-My-Gulay Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Will do! Let me just fix the chapter you reviewed of my story! It shouldn't take long :)
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! :D
KathraW Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013
Haha, I love how everyone has elemental type powers except for Cade. He just runs fast. Poor guy ^-'

Seiton sounds like Satan. I'm guessing by this prologue and use of vowels to portray such, means this is one bad dude. I wouldn't want to be locked away in a room with that man.

If I may make a suggestion, your beginning sentence: "About a hundred thousand years ago, an army of Spacer soldiers, white-skinned,white haired, blue-eyed, muscular humanoid beings, each wearing blue, full body, fully articulated, armor, with built-in gadgets, such as radar, communications devices, and life-support systems, weapon holsters on their backs, and detachable, metal feathered, helmets, ran desperately across the surface of a ravaged planet, pursued by their ruthless enemies, the bulky, grey-skinned, Pan-headed Titans." Seems to be a bit of a run-on. It might sound better if split up into individual sentences. Though, you may have your reasons for writing it this way~

For a prologue, this is pretty intense. I'm liking how I'm already introduced to some characters and possibly the antagonist as well, yes?

It's a great start. I bet it even gets better from here :rose:
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Great! And yes, Seiton is the main antagonist of my story. I have fixed the beginning of the prologue and it sounds much better now! Have you read the next chapter, Helen's Rescue?
KathraW Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013
I see. The beginning looks definitely better ^-^

Sadly, not yet. I've been so busy trying to publish my second novel, that I haven't been able to read much of anyone's works :(

Once it's done though, you bet I'll be checking out the rest! ^-'
tiffmalloy18 Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I really like this!! I can't wait to read on!! I am also writing a story, and I absolutely love your writing!
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you and thanks for the fave!
tiffmalloy18 Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome!!!!
0-xcheekymonkeyx-0 Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013
I really like the prologue, the story sounds really interesting at the moment :) It's compelling and makes me wonder what will happen next :D
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you and thanks for the fave!
0-xcheekymonkeyx-0 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013
no problem :)
SonAmyFan362 Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Professional Writer
"When they ran up to the control room of the pyramid." <- This sentence somewhat confuses me. However, it sounds like it can go along with "All of the members got together and rushed inside the pyramid just as the Titans were on their tail. "

Here's the result of what I mean:

"All of the members got together and rushed inside the pyramid just as the Titans were on their tail when they ran up to the control room of the pyramid."

"In the control room appeared as a glass room with the systems was at the very center along with a map of their star system." <- There is a bit of a problem with this sentence. Usually, when we say "In the (Insert location) appeared....", it is a description of something new to a room or location that one has read about prior to the story. An easy fix, however, is:
"The control room appeared as a glass room with the systems was at the very center along with a map of their star system." <- This clearly tells me that I am reading how the room is described.

"This is it my fellow comrades," <- I have a hard time reading sentences with missing commas. I try to overlook them. However, they can irk a reader very badly. I suggest this fix:

"This is it, my fellow comrades," <- The reason why I put the pause after "it" is because I find that we pause when directing a message to either a singular individual or a group of people.

"No it is not! Seiton will kill us all!" she cried. <- There should be a comma after "No". I find if a sentence is somewhat short, it will sound rushed. However, the "Seiton will kill us all!" sentence doesn't need a comma, as that sounds better if rushed.

"No, it is not! Seiton will kill us all!" <- Proposed fix.

"Then he will have access to the Source and he will rule the universe." <- Another missing comma.

"Then, he will have access to the Source and he will rule the universe." <- Proposed fix.

"Once their civilizations established, their technology will grow to be as advanced as ours." <- No errors in here. This is a prime example of an ideal sentence flow is like, as if the comma wasn't there, I would re-read the sentence again for about 5 minutes to know what message is being conveyed. However, I understood it on the first time I read it.

Evaluation results from this story:

:bulletgreen: This is a good aspect of your writing style! Keep it up!
:bulletyellow: Ehhhh.... this aspect is somewhat rough. With a little bit of sanding and polish, however, it will be a great improvement.
:bulletred: This aspect is one that you need to work on to exceptionally improve it, as I found it hard to read your story due to this.)

:bulletgreen: You have a lot of potential as a writer.
:bulletgreen: The dialogue flows rather well, and makes you feel like you're there in the environment.
:bulletgreen: The way you describe the enviroment and characters' appearances are Premium Grade. That is a big bonus, my friend. In fact, I wish I knew how to describe things a little bit better.

:bulletgreen: Your spelling is very good! I think that only one or two words are misspelt in your story. Example:
Each of the soldiers wore full blue armor with build-in gadgets, weapons on their backs, and their helmets had metal feathers sticking out from the back of their heads.

I know it is an honest mistake, seeing that the "D" key is rather close to the "T" key. Spelling mistakes happen. Don't worry about it, though. You're very good in this department.

:bulletyellow: There have been a few sentence fragments throughout your story. Those can really deter readers. The very first line I quoted in this Comment is an example of a fragment.

Just in case, "When they ran up to the control room of the pyramid." <- This isn't a sentence. That is the fragment I am talking about. Simply apply the suggested fix, and it'll contribute to a much better flow to the story.

:bulletyellow: I see a moderate degree of missing commas. The ones I pointed out are only a few. However, while missing commas aren't much of a big deal, they can still be somewhat irksome. Here's an example of what I mean. The example I am about to demonstrate is not going to refer to any sentences in your story. It is a very generic demonstration.

"Are you going to eat Bob?" <- The sentence is awkward, even though you don't want to make it sound like the individual sound like they're asking if the other person wants to eat Bob, that does sound like it, if there isn't a clear separation. That's where commas come in, and that is precisely why I point out missing commas, so it doesn't give the wrong message.

"Are you going to eat, Bob?" <- It makes a lot more sense, as the message is clear. The person asking the question is asking Bob if he wants to eat. As a general rule of thumb, if you're going to write dialogue where someone inquires about something, separate the verb from the subject.

Last example of a missing comma:

Feidlima ran up to him and said, "Thank you Judus!" <- Don't think I am being insulting on your comma use. However, when you hear someone thank another person, notice they pause? That is why is is a little bit irksome, when you read a line of dialogue that sounds somewhat rushed. If we were to not pause when thanking someone, the words would come out too fast.

Fix: Feidlima ran up to him and said, "Thank you, Judus!"

However, you do show good comma usage. If I could, I'd find a middle like color for the bullet, so it can be betweeen the yellow and green.

:bulletyellow: As she fell, she screamed as if she was having a horrible. <- This sentence is just not quite complete. Is she having a quick, bad vision, dream, nightmare? If you'd include what horrible thing Feidlima is experiencing, it would be a complete sentence. It's kind of a fragment. But, since it's a 99% complete sentence, I'll just call it a "Missing word sentence".

:bulletred: The only thing I don't quite understand very much is, the Titans and Spacers, are they like Giants and Humans? I wonder if I can visually see a member of each, as I'm not too certain how the Titans and Spacers are like. Are Spacers.... green-, blue-, red-skinned? Or, are they diverse like human beings? Like, are all the female Spacers light blue skinned, and the males all a yellow skin? And, the Titans, are they huge, or are they the same size as the Spacers? I might have skipped the physical descriptions of each race. However, I have a kind of hard time imagining them accurately. From what it sounds, it seems like the Titans are huge. I'm not sure. Just making an assumption.


Excellent plot, so far. I will read more of your work, an I'll evaluate it accordingly. The only thing you need work on is the grammar. I honestly think you're good enough to write your own books, and get them published. Keep it up, my friend.

Story rating (Grammar excluded): 10/10.
Story rating (Grammar included): 7.3/10.
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I have fixed those problems and I have added the description of both the Spacers and the Titans as well. What do you think?
SonAmyFan362 Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Professional Writer
I am impressed. Your work has dynamically improved. Keep it up, my friend. And, in the meantime, feel free to request addtional Critiques, if you desire some mors. I'll get to the others, soon. You never know, eh?
WittyIntellect Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Overall it’s a decent prologue to a, without a doubt, compelling story; I’d definitely love to see where the story goes in terms of the opposing sides (the Spacers and the Titians) as well as the motivation of the conflict and what may have led to it, moreover why the “primitives” will eventually be involved (it leaves the reader wanting more). The prologue reveals just enough for the reader to ponder and be become curious as to what may happen next. :iconcoolplz:

There are minimal grammatical errors, but nothing that a good polishing can’t fix. Also – and this may just be me – but I would love to see a description of the area the fight was taking place in as well as some of the events that took place such as the sudden change terrain and the overall characters. Not to say the current description is insufficient, it just needs to be expounded upon in order to enrapture the readers’ mind and keep them interested (putting them in the mists of things, if you will).
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I made fixed it up to make it sound better. What do you think?
WittyIntellect Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Let me begin by saying "artistic integrity rest with you"; meaning that this is your story, you decided how you write it and how it plays out. I say this because the last thing I ever want to say to a fellow aspiring writer is "I would write like this if I were you" or "Well if it was my story I'd do this", etc.

That said, I can see where you made the corrections; the story is easier to understand - though a bit choppy in certain aspects. However there are still some lingering grammatical errors, nothing outrageous, but it can distract the reader.

Ultimately I stick to my previous statements: "a decent prologue to a, without a doubt, compelling story" and "The prologue reveals just enough for the reader to ponder and be become curious as to what may happen next."
unicornsquest Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Professional Traditional Artist
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